Finally hitting bottom

I woke up this morning about 4 am. This is the witching hour for me. If I'm upset or worried about something I can deny it all day long, but once I go to sleep my subconscious takes over and prods me awake--usually between 3 and 4 am. Today I lay there for a few moments wondering what was bothering me, and then it dawned on me.

I saw the plastic surgeon at the beginning of the week to discuss my next surgery, which is the start of the reconstruction process. The first thing to be done is to have what they call a 'spacer' put in my right breast that will eventually create a cavity where the permanent breast implant will be placed. They put the spacer under the muscle of the breast to give it some support, but I've heard this is initially pretty painful. I want to do the reconstruction but I am not looking forward to the pain.

This morning I realized what I was feeling was "I don't want to do this!" Magnify that statement about ten times and you get the picture. I have not regained all my strength from the last surgery, and facing the prospect of at least three more surgeries really has me depressed. I just don't feel like I'm physically, mentally or emotionally prepared to do this, although I want to get the reconstruction done and over with so I can move on with my life. At this point, even my usual distractions are not working like they usually do. This ostrich is having a hard time sticking her head in the sand for once as it has turned to concrete!

Some perspective was provided by Debra, whom I have mentioned before. During a messy divorce she had a double mastectomy and then a hysterectomy, plus all the breast reconstruction. She is in her 30's and has two little kids. I asked her if she ever had these feelings during all of her procedures and she assured me this was perfectly normal, and yes she had felt the same. Then she told me in the last year and a half she has had ten surgeries! TEN! Wow. I am not facing half of what she has had to go through, and I am still feeling discouraged.

What I have to face in the next few months. One, the surgery to put the spacer in. Drains in again. I HATE those drains! Well, to be more accurate, I hate having them taken out! *shudder* Two: I go back for another surgery to remove the spacer and have the permanent implant installed. Three: After I heal from that I will have the "Barbie boobs" or, rather, boob. That is the shape of a breast with no nipple or areola. The nipple will be constructed in yet another surgery where I will have skin grafted from the inside of my thigh to create or "build" a nipple. Once that is healed I will get the nipple and areola tattooed (yes, tattoed!) so it has the correct pigment as the other breast. Today, at least, it all seems too much for me.

I also got some disappointing news from the plastic surgeon. When I first met with her, I discussed having a little enlargement of both sides done when I did the reconstruction. Well, when I met with her this week she told me the oncologist wants to do another MRI in six months and they would not approve an implant on my good, left side until I get that done and get the all clear from the oncologist, so the "bodacious ta-ta's" as a friend calls them, will have to wait and if I decide to go back for augmentation in the future, I will have to pay for both sides, whereas now, no matter what size implant I would get in the right side, it would be paid for by insurance. I am pretty disappointed about that.

I really don't mean to sound like a whiny spoiled brat in all this. I am fully aware of how very lucky and blessed I have been through all this. My life was saved, I can't ask for much more than that, but this was to be the lemonade I made out of the lemons I was dealing with. Instead the right breast will be reconstructed the same small size as the left one and I will look exactly the same size I was before. I admit it, I'm sad.

I don't know after all this if I'll have the chutzpah to actually go back for a voluntary procedure to remove the small implant, put a larger one in that side and augment the left side. Oh well, life goes on, I guess, and I should be grateful the option of reconstruction of any size is open to me, right? I try to keep looking on the bright side, but it's a little hard sometimes.

The other issue is, I don't know if I could have come up with the money to pay for the left side enlargement anyway. My finances are tight to the point of snapping now, so maybe it's a good thing I have to wait. I can either start putting a little money aside until I get the amount saved up (about $6,000, I think) or maybe I will decide not to do it at all, and I can use the $6,000 for something else. *Sigh*

But, any talk of enhancements aside, I am finding the idea of this next surgery, and the ones to follow, very daunting, and yes, I'm a little scared.