Getting the Jitters and Some Deep Wading

So, tomorrow is the first reconstruction surgery. I have to admit, I am a little nervous. More nervous, in fact, than I was for the actual mastectomy. For that, I think, I was in denial, big time. As I told a friend, I was in a fool's paradise, but it was okay because they know me there. Heh.

For all my jitters, though, I am kind of fascinated with the actual surgery. I wonder how they go about the process of reconstructing a breast. I think I'd make a good surgeon. I watch the surgery shows on TV--I mean the real documentaries, not Gray's Anatomy or Mercy or something--and am more fascinated than grossed out by them. One day I was watching Dr. 90210 and they were performing some kind of surgery, which they were showing in graphic detail. I was really mesmerized by it until my mother stopped by the house and said: "Oh, turn that off, that's gross!"

So, rolling up my pant legs and wading in only up to the knees (philosophically speaking)---The anaesthesia they give you before surgery kind of unsettles me. It's not like when you go to sleep and your consciousness is out there somewhere. To me, after the anaesthesia, it's almost like you ceased to be for a time, and that rather freaks me out. I wonder--in my shallow wading--is death like that? A total loss of, well, everything? Huh. I was kind of hoping for more. Of course, I comfort myself with the thought that if this is the case with death I won't know anything about it, so why worry, but still...

Anyway, I will be in touch after the surgery when I can get up and about again. Take care all!