Getting the Jitters and Some Deep Wading

So, tomorrow is the first reconstruction surgery. I have to admit, I am a little nervous. More nervous, in fact, than I was for the actual mastectomy. For that, I think, I was in denial, big time. As I told a friend, I was in a fool's paradise, but it was okay because they know me there. Heh.

For all my jitters, though, I am kind of fascinated with the actual surgery. I wonder how they go about the process of reconstructing a breast. I think I'd make a good surgeon. I watch the surgery shows on TV--I mean the real documentaries, not Gray's Anatomy or Mercy or something--and am more fascinated than grossed out by them. One day I was watching Dr. 90210 and they were performing some kind of surgery, which they were showing in graphic detail. I was really mesmerized by it until my mother stopped by the house and said: "Oh, turn that off, that's gross!"

So, rolling up my pant legs and wading in only up to the knees (philosophically speaking)---The anaesthesia they give you before surgery kind of unsettles me. It's not like when you go to sleep and your consciousness is out there somewhere. To me, after the anaesthesia, it's almost like you ceased to be for a time, and that rather freaks me out. I wonder--in my shallow wading--is death like that? A total loss of, well, everything? Huh. I was kind of hoping for more. Of course, I comfort myself with the thought that if this is the case with death I won't know anything about it, so why worry, but still...

Anyway, I will be in touch after the surgery when I can get up and about again. Take care all!

A Revoltin' Development, False Advertising And An Emotional Good-Bye

Well, last week I got a message from Google saying my Monetize account had been suspended due to "suspicious activity." Monetize, for those who don't know, is the ads that appear in your blog where you are able to make a bit of money from people perusing them. Being me, I admit I did not read the guidelines for this and after re-reading one of my entries, decided I should look at the ads to see if there was anything offered that would help me in my own recovery from breast cancer. I guess that's a big no-no. Apparently Google thought I was trying to pad my earnings and suspended me. Live and Learn I guess, but I was NOT doing anything underhanded, just looking at what was advertised, and I feel like a bit like I've been slapped in the face. Oh well, my bad. We move on from here. Grumble, grumble.

On a happier note, a friend and I were recently talking about dating. I laughed and told her right now was probably not a good time to look for a new relationship. My upholstery is, in effect, false advertising, and I don't want to have to explain. "Uh--heh--sorry, but I have a flat tire," or "I had an unfortunate blow-out that prevents me from getting close to anyone." Yeah, right.

I told my friend Linda that while 95% of the time I'm fine with how my mastectomy looks, occasionally, when I'm feeling a little vulnerable, I look at it in the mirror after my morning shower and feel like I look like something from the Island of Misfit Toys. Linda, who had diverticulitus and has had several surgeries, nodded sagely and said: "Yep, dented can syndrome." We learn to live with it, I guess.

April 29, eight days from now, I go in for my first reconstructive surgery. I am looking forward to the improvement in appearance, but nervous about the actual surgery. I keep telling myself I just gotta push through it. Jitters.

In the midst of dealing with cancer and my mastectomy, I had to say good-bye to the house that has been the family homestead for my entire life. I walked through it for the last time about a week ago, and found all the memories of my growing up there overwhelming and started to cry. In fact, if I let myself think about it now I get choked up. Very sad.

Some positive things (and I remind myself there are many): It is spring in Illinois and with the warm weather everything has bloomed. Just beautiful! I love it. The black and white of Winter has given way to the Technicolor of Spring! The problem is, it's cool in the morning and then gets warm later in the day. I have every jacket I own hanging in the break room at work because it's so warm when I leave I forget I wore one in the first place! If I forget the one I wore today I'm in trouble, because it was the last one in the closet, and it was 40 degrees this morning!

Went to see Daughtry at the Assembly Hall last Sunday (Love him!), and went to see a screening of "Back to the Future" at one of our old theaters, The Virginia. This theater is an old Italianate building that used to be a vaudeville house. My grandfather said he used to go to dances on the roof of this theater when he was in college. The inside is very ornate, but looking a little run-down now. Anyway, fun to see the movie there with a big crowd of people. One of my favorite actors had a movie on the SyFy channel last week, etc.

My supervisor gave us all little gift bags with fun stuff in it for Administrative Assistant's Day, and I have found my new tag line! I got a note pad and at the top it says:

"I see these people who can do everything, and I think I should have them do some stuff for ME."

Love it.

Next up: The reconstructive surgery. Stay Tuned.

The Runner Stumbles And A Press Conference (Not Me!)

I just wanted to apologize for my dark mood in the last post. I had been feeling very tired and down for a few days and the prospect of more surgery was more than I could face. I guess that's to be expected now and again, but I am feeling much better and more optimistic today.

On the news this morning Martina Navritalova announced in a press conference she has breast cancer. Best wishes and prayers to her. I was happy she urged women to get their yearly mammogram no matter what. I will second that. Ladies, we all know it's a major drag and a pain in the butt to go for our mammograms. It's uncomfortable--in fact it hurts, darn it,--but keep in mind it could save your life. I was told that 20 years ago, one in 20 women got breast cancer, now the statistic is one in eight women will get breast cancer. There is SO much the medical community can do if they find it early. Please, please get your mammograms and do your self-exams as well! My aunt found her lump while doing a self-exam. I don't want to sound preachy, but really, If I can convince just one woman to do this I'll be happy.

I noticed Martina said in her announcement that her cancer was not invasive. That's great news. My type was a very invasive form of cancer. Before I caught myself I found myself doing a little one-upsmanship with her. MY cancer was invasive, yours wasn't! Ha. So what? Do we get extra points for having a more serious case of cancer or more involved treatment? No, of course not. We all have the same disease and we are all fighting for our lives. Every woman's journey is different but in no way is less or more valid. We're all in this together. Smacking myself.

I have started taking Tamoxifen. Two pills a day for 5-10 years. Wow. That seems like a long time. I know in time I won't even think about it, but for now it seems like a lot.

Before I go for my next surgery I have to massage the mastectomy area to break up the scar tissue. The doctor said my area is rather stiff right now and I need to break that up. I have to say, though, it HURTS to massage that area! Also, the thought crossed my mind, when does one do this? Before bed? After my shower? In traffic on the way home? Seriously, I can just see the faces of the other cars at the stop light next to me (WTF?!?!)! I decided right after my morning shower and right before bed is best.

Not much else to report right now. For now all is well. Hope it is with you, too! Take care.

Finally hitting bottom

I woke up this morning about 4 am. This is the witching hour for me. If I'm upset or worried about something I can deny it all day long, but once I go to sleep my subconscious takes over and prods me awake--usually between 3 and 4 am. Today I lay there for a few moments wondering what was bothering me, and then it dawned on me.

I saw the plastic surgeon at the beginning of the week to discuss my next surgery, which is the start of the reconstruction process. The first thing to be done is to have what they call a 'spacer' put in my right breast that will eventually create a cavity where the permanent breast implant will be placed. They put the spacer under the muscle of the breast to give it some support, but I've heard this is initially pretty painful. I want to do the reconstruction but I am not looking forward to the pain.

This morning I realized what I was feeling was "I don't want to do this!" Magnify that statement about ten times and you get the picture. I have not regained all my strength from the last surgery, and facing the prospect of at least three more surgeries really has me depressed. I just don't feel like I'm physically, mentally or emotionally prepared to do this, although I want to get the reconstruction done and over with so I can move on with my life. At this point, even my usual distractions are not working like they usually do. This ostrich is having a hard time sticking her head in the sand for once as it has turned to concrete!

Some perspective was provided by Debra, whom I have mentioned before. During a messy divorce she had a double mastectomy and then a hysterectomy, plus all the breast reconstruction. She is in her 30's and has two little kids. I asked her if she ever had these feelings during all of her procedures and she assured me this was perfectly normal, and yes she had felt the same. Then she told me in the last year and a half she has had ten surgeries! TEN! Wow. I am not facing half of what she has had to go through, and I am still feeling discouraged.

What I have to face in the next few months. One, the surgery to put the spacer in. Drains in again. I HATE those drains! Well, to be more accurate, I hate having them taken out! *shudder* Two: I go back for another surgery to remove the spacer and have the permanent implant installed. Three: After I heal from that I will have the "Barbie boobs" or, rather, boob. That is the shape of a breast with no nipple or areola. The nipple will be constructed in yet another surgery where I will have skin grafted from the inside of my thigh to create or "build" a nipple. Once that is healed I will get the nipple and areola tattooed (yes, tattoed!) so it has the correct pigment as the other breast. Today, at least, it all seems too much for me.

I also got some disappointing news from the plastic surgeon. When I first met with her, I discussed having a little enlargement of both sides done when I did the reconstruction. Well, when I met with her this week she told me the oncologist wants to do another MRI in six months and they would not approve an implant on my good, left side until I get that done and get the all clear from the oncologist, so the "bodacious ta-ta's" as a friend calls them, will have to wait and if I decide to go back for augmentation in the future, I will have to pay for both sides, whereas now, no matter what size implant I would get in the right side, it would be paid for by insurance. I am pretty disappointed about that.

I really don't mean to sound like a whiny spoiled brat in all this. I am fully aware of how very lucky and blessed I have been through all this. My life was saved, I can't ask for much more than that, but this was to be the lemonade I made out of the lemons I was dealing with. Instead the right breast will be reconstructed the same small size as the left one and I will look exactly the same size I was before. I admit it, I'm sad.

I don't know after all this if I'll have the chutzpah to actually go back for a voluntary procedure to remove the small implant, put a larger one in that side and augment the left side. Oh well, life goes on, I guess, and I should be grateful the option of reconstruction of any size is open to me, right? I try to keep looking on the bright side, but it's a little hard sometimes.

The other issue is, I don't know if I could have come up with the money to pay for the left side enlargement anyway. My finances are tight to the point of snapping now, so maybe it's a good thing I have to wait. I can either start putting a little money aside until I get the amount saved up (about $6,000, I think) or maybe I will decide not to do it at all, and I can use the $6,000 for something else. *Sigh*

But, any talk of enhancements aside, I am finding the idea of this next surgery, and the ones to follow, very daunting, and yes, I'm a little scared.

Failure to Launch and My First Week Back

Well, last Monday was to be my first day back to work, but I had forgotten to get the work release from my doctor on Friday when I saw her, so I had to call Monday morning. I got up at the time I usually get up on weekdays, got my shower and got dressed in my work clothes and waited. And waited. And waited. Finally about ten o'clock I called my supervisor and told her what the situation was. I was home, but I didn't want to start anything in case the call came in and I had to rush off to work. I needn't have worried. They called about noon, but didn't fax the work release to my office until 4:15, so that kind of shot the day.

Tuesday was my first day back. Everyone was happy to see me, and I found I had actually kind of missed the place. It took some time to settle in, but it was a regular work day with work, phone calls and customers. I left feeling very tired. That night my friend Linda came over for pizza and movies. Wewatched some taped stuff, Castle and the first season of Highlander, which I had rented. We got the giggles over some of it, and that was fun, but I was beat and went to bed as soon as she left.

The next day I got up tired. At about noon, I hit the wall. Completely drained. I hung in there until 3:00, when Brenda, bless her, said she'd stay until 5:00 (she was due to leave at 4:30) if I wanted to go. I talked to the supervisor, Shirl (who was standing in for Stacy, who had called in sick), and she let me go home. As soon as I got home I lay down on the couch and was asleep in about two minutes. The next day I talked to Stacy and decided I would do half days for the rest of the week.

I get so frustrated that I'm not back to 100%, but I guess I have to face it, I'm not. My friend Sarah had hernia surgery last year and said she took six weeks off and then worked half days for ten days after that. I was only off for three weeks, so I guess that makes the difference. Very frustrating.

My mother and I took Kara down to EIU for a new student preview yesterday. Long day with lots of walking. It was fun to see the campus and get the tours, but I was beat when it was over, and I drove both ways back and forth to Charleston.

When we got home I had to take a nap and was still very tired when I got up. I finished my bachelor's degree at EIU, but did it part time through our local community college, Parkland, so I was only on campus a few times. If I could do things over I would have gone to EIU right out of high school and had that experience. I love that campus! It's smaller and friendlier than the U of I, which is in my home town. I think I would have been happy at EIU. Ah well, live and learn.

If only we could have re-do's in life! I know certain people who say they would never go back and change anything in their lives, but personally, I have LOTS of things I'd do differently. Let me count the ways. *Sigh* Yesterday I was wondering how different would my life have been if I'd gone away to college.

I have, I think, finally weaned myself away from the compression bandage. I have worn it long after I needed to, just because, to me, it felt better to keep wearing it, but today I put on the actual bra with the inserts, or should I say, insert, in it. I was wearing both with the compression bandage and jogging bra because the compression bandage flattened me out even on the good side, but with the bra I just need the insert for the right side.

Got a call from the plastic surgeon's nurse. I had called them earlier to tell them I was not going to have to do chemo, and the nurse called back to say: "Come on in! We'll let you try on some sizes!"

Well, the bad news is, I don't think I will have the money to pay for augmenting the good side, so the bad side will just have to get reconstructed to its old, small size. Poo. I am disappointed, but maybe when I save enough I can get both sides done. I know I mentioned this before, but it's pretty much a certainty now. Bummer.

Not much else to report. I went and got the blood test for the BRCA test. Now it will be sent off to Utah for processing. I'll know the results in about two weeks.

I have been doing a lot of walking and trying to stretch out the muscle in my arm on the right side. That's all the exercise I can do right now, but I see the U of I is doing a program of exercise for breast cancer survivors. It's also a study so the participants get a small compensation. I think I will sign up tomorrow.

That's all for now. Tak care!

Hallelujah! No Chemo!

I am VERY happy to report I went to see my oncologist yesterday and the genetic test they did on my tumor shows only a 7% chance of recurrence in 10 years, so I do not have to have chemo or radiation! Yay! I can't tell you how relieved I am! I am so aware that my experience with cancer is not the experience of every woman, but it has been an emotional, scary time for me nonetheless.

In two months I will start the reconstruction of my breast, but for now, all things look good.

I still have to have the BRCA test. Blood will be drawn, then it will be sent to Utah to have the testing done. If the indicators are positive that I could have ovarian and or/breast cancer again, which seems unlikely for breast, given the last test (from what I understand), then I am looking at having my ovaries removed as well as my other breast. Since my mother's test came back negative, thank goodness, I am hopeful my test will, too. Keeping my fingers crossed!

The one dumb thing I did was I forgot to get a doctor's release to go back to work Monday! I will have to call my supervisor and see if I can come to work and present the release later, or if I have to stay out Monday morning until I can get the release. For some reason my oncologist always has me come see her on Fridays at 5:00 or 5:30 so once I leave, they close. Drat!

Probably a good thing I'm going back to work and getting back into things, though, as evidenced by my Stream of Consciousness entry yesterday. Sorry about that. Can you tell I'm getting bored?

I have been very blessed in this experience by all the friends and family who have supported me and sent me good wishes and prayers. I can't but help think that made all the difference in my outcome.

One thing I wanted to share with you all is a picture my Aunt Barbara sent me along with a get well card. This is a picture of me and my cousins Lisa and Susan, in, I guess about 1965. I'm either four or five in this picture. I'm the one in the middle. Check out the knees. Every summer my knees were covered in Band-Aids from climbing trees, riding my bike (and falling off), etc. At first, when I got this picture, I laughed and laughed and I was transported--in my mind, anyway--back to that time. I remember it very well. The family used to gather at my great Aunt Emma's house and have great dinners. After supper all the adults would play gin rummy, and the kids would run around and play. This is us down my aunt's basement mid-play. You can see all the toys strewn around. I'm sure my aunt or uncle had to corral all of us to get this picture taken. The reason I mention this is, after I laughed, I looked at myself as a kid and reflected on what became of this kid. This whole experience has really made me take a good look at my life. What I have done and not done. What wishes came true and what didn't. What I'm going through now. *Deep Breath* Anyway, wanted to share--besides, aren't we cute? I still snicker when I look at it.

I will report on my return to work, but then I guess the next significant news I will have is when the reconstruction starts in two months! Stay tuned!

Thanks so much for reading my blog and taking some interest in my experience. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that! I want to thank Carle Clinic and hospital and the Mills Breast Cancer Center for all their help, plus my wonderful doctors, Dr. Johnson, my oncologist, Dr. Berlin, my surgeon, Dr. Sapiente, the radiologist, Dr. Beitel, my GP, plus Evelyn, Dr. Johson's nurse, and Linda, Dr. Belin's nurse. You are all amazing and I am so thankful I had you on my side!

Hugs,

Tracy

Oops. forgot!

The Stream of Consciousness part of my last post.

Did I tell you about the card I got recently saying I was being prayed for at Lourdes in France and at a place in Belleville, IL? That was touching enough, but the card was not signed and they included $100 to me? Wow! I wish I knew who it was, but I will pay it forward as soon as I can!

Started watching Highlander from the beginning. What's strange is the library gave me only until the end of this month to watch the whole first series, but gave me until the middle of April to read one of my Morganville Vampire books, which are not all that big. Strange.

I am not looking forward to losing all my free time. I have really enjoyed it, circumstances notwithstanding.

Moonlight marathon on SyFy today--shakes head--They never should have cancelled that show! I was hooked at the time! If anyone saw Alex O'Laughlin on Criminal Minds as the OCD serial killer, he should have gotten an Emmy for that! It was richly deserved, IMHO, and I was happy to see he's in an upcoming movie with Jennifer Lopez. Whoo Hoo! I hope he makes it really, really big!

A new taste treat drink in my house! In order to cut out the sugar, we have started to drink Diet Ginger Ale with some lemon, lime and orange squeezed into it. It's really good and refreshing, and no calories, or at least, not much.

Went for another long walk today. It's really helping with my energy levels!

I am a dork when it comes to dancing, but I made a CD of all my favorite "bouncy" music, which is mostly 80's stuff, and I bounce around the house where no one can see me. I can't sing, either, but I make a 'joyful noise" while I dance. I would be mortified if anyone saw me, but I have fun doing it, and it keeps me in a happier frame of mind. List of songs on request. Giggle.

Want to know one of my huge pet peeves? This just makes me crazy! Listening to the radio and having the DJ talk over te entire beginning of a song! Like I'd rather to listen to you blather on about nothing than hear the music! I actually yell "Shut Up!" at the radio it makes me so mad!!! Why do they do that? GRRR!!!!

Okay, enough of me boring you with my thoughts. Take care, all!

Tracy